remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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