I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
