Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
