I think i peed on brittanys purse
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
