why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
