last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I have vodka in my lungs
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
