I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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