I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
