when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
