apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
