my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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