the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
