Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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