i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
