wanna go halves on a baby?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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