Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
