there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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