swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize