you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
