Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize