I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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