Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
