there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
