I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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