News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
