Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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