We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize