Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
