You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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