A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
