I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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