No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
