I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
