Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
