Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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