rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize