I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
