So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Randomize
