i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
