I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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