I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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