Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
