my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
