I feel great
I just peed on a car
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
