Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
