I will die if light touches me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
