Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
