Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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