Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize