i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
