I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
