I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
