every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
