But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
