I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
