Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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