Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
