U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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