I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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