my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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