My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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