Your dad touched me again.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize