my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
