god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
