She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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