everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
