Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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