Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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