i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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