He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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